It makes me sad when I see my ask flooded with questions from anon’s who wonder what the “secret of being thin” is. Anon’s who wonder about how to lose weight and do it fast and quickly because they want to be “perfect”.
“Thin” is never gonna be thin enough. If I look at my stats and my BMI I do realize it’s not healthy, but I’m not able to see that because my eating disorder makes it impossible. I look and my body and it makes me sad because I can’t remember how it feels to be comfortable with my own skin, inside my own body.
The glamour of being thin. When you feel so weak you’re barely able to walk. When you sit down in the shower because you’re afraid you’re gonna pass out. When you walk up and down the same street when you’re going for a walk because you don’t dare to walk too far away from home incase you suddenly feel uncomfortable and lightheaded. When your muscle aches. When you take too many laxatives because you want whatever’s inside you to come out as quickly as possible so you can feel good about yourself for a few hours.
When you weigh in at the doctors and the number makes the doctors worry. When you lose too much weight and you know it and it scares you - but you have no idea of how to stop and fight against it.
When you purge till you throw up blood and bile. When you pass out into the bathroom because you’re exhausted. When none of your clothes fit you anymore because you’ve become too small - and yet you see an elephant in the mirror. When you look at yourself and all you see is “fat” and “too big”. When you start hiding your body in layers and layers of clothes because you think you’re too fat to wear what you like.
When your dad gets scared to hug you because he’s afraid you’re going to break. When it hurts to lay in bed because your body aches. When you lay in bed before you go to sleep and wonder if you’re gonna wake up tomorrow morning or if this is it.
Those rare glimpses where you’re able to see your body for real for two minutes and it scares the shit out of you and you wonder how it got this bad.
When you start to get jealous of normal people because they have a life. When you log on to facebook and see all the new pictures of your friends doing crazy stuff - living - being happy - traveling - exploring the world - getting pissed - go out for meals, and you envy them because they’re able to do these things.
When you’re so lonely you barely have any friends because you’re too busy thinking about food, exercising and how you think you look. When you start feeling insignificant to the world and begin to wonder why you’re even alive because it feels as if life is a living hell.
When you realize you want to recover but you have no idea of where to start because the journey to healthy is so long and you have no idea of how to deal with gaining weight or see your body change.
When you have to take ECG’s to make sure your heart is alright. When your potassium is so low you have to go to the hospital to get a transfusion. When you get to the point where you need a feeding tube because you are no longer able to feed yourself and give your body the nutrients it desperately needs in order to function properly.
When your day is ruled by the numbers on the scale. If you’ve gained it’s gonna have consequences ruining the whole day in front of you because your brain is hung up on “fat”.
When you’re too sick to go to school and too sick to work. When you have no idea of how to get anywhere and all you see is sadness and despair because you start wishing life could be so much more than this.
When you reach your goal weight and you’re satisfied for one day, perhaps two, and then you realize you’re still too fat and that you have to diet just a little bit more because you think that you’ll be happier if you just lose three more pounds.
That’s the true beauty of an eating disorder. It kills you day by day and yet you’re not able to fight it because the anxiety of your body gaining weight is too big.
When you read through my words right now and realize that you can relate.
When you have no education or no work and it makes you feel useless. When you watch your friends finding true love, getting engaged and married. When you watch them have babies and buy houses. When you realize all the fun you’ve missed out on because you’re too busy with your eating disorder to squeeze “fun” into your time schedule because it’s dominated by what you should eat, how much, when, calculating calories night and day, hating yourself when you feel as if you didn’t manage to do anything right or perfect.
When you’re so depressed you want to die because you have no idea of how to fix this or how to go on living this life. When you hurt yourself by cutting or bruising because it’s easier to deal with the physical pain rather than the emotional pain.
This is the truth and it makes me sad beyond words to write this. There is no such thing as “perfect” or “thin enough” - we all know it but we don’t know how to stop.
I want so badly to regain everything that this disorder has taken away from me, but I’m not ready just yet. I keep telling myself, “five pounds from now you can have your life back, call your friends back, take your personality back, etc etc,” knowing full well that it’s always going to be “just five more pounds.” And no matter how much healthier I look, sound, or feel overall I will never be able to say that I’m ‘recovered’ until I beat this mentality.
i don’t know how to function like a good friend and girlfriend anymore. all i want to do is lay in my room and watch other people go out into the world… (ie. movies) i’ve become so reclusive and i used to hate the thought of being in a house for more than an hour. now its all i ever do on my days off.
i used to be such a good friend. now i think no one wants to be around me anymore. and once givin the chance to go out and do something, i make up an excuse or fall asleep.
I need to get my shit together.
Every paragraph so far has started with I…. and that annoys the hell out of me.