i don’t really know why but all i know is that i’m beginning to not stand them.
i feel like i’m trapped. The only thing that makes me actually happy right now is alex. he is just so wonderful.
I guess i just don’t feel loved by my family anymore. And i’m starting to wonder if i even love them anymore. everytime i come home i get this pang of annoyance at every little thing. they are so stressful and i hate it. everything has attitude.
And once i’m actually being nice and in a good mood. they ruin it. they ask me why i’m so happy and why i’m being so nice.
i dont think they know that i’m actually a really nice, fun person. which makes me mad. and then the vicious cycle comes back.
also they seem to only “love” me when i’m having a mental break down.
I JUST WANT OUT! i think i don’t want to be apart of this family anymore.
no more love.
another thing that has been bothering me is i just can’t seem to lose my fucking thighs. i hate them and my flabby arms. i have no self control. i give in to temptation of shitty food to easily. i just like eating but i don’t want to get any fatter. this morning i think i ate atleast 500 calories, and last night we made cookies and i just couldn’t stop myself. i’m not even hungry.
i eat so much! learn self control!!!!!!! you are fat, fat, fat and you need to lose weight. enough jiggling you piece of lard.
i need to lose about 10 more pounds and then i might be happy with myself. other things that i need to do is get another job so i can get a car and save up so i can move out and only come back to my parents a few times.
so here are my goals-
1. lose 5-10 pounds
2. get 2nd job to save money
3. christmas presents (?)
4. apply to other schools
5. get car
6. move out (ASAP)
they should be done in that order. and they need to be completed by may of 2010